Posts Tagged ‘Feelings’
Helping Others Help You Through Grief
Post by Maureen Pollard, MSW, RSW
When you’ve experienced the death of a loved one, one of the most difficult things you will go through is trying to find out what helps you adjust to the loss. This can be compounded when others around you don’t understand what you’re going through, and don’t know how to help you. Although you may not have much energy, and you may be reluctant to become a teacher, it may be just what your family and friends need to help you through your grief.
The concept of “pocket phrases” can be quite useful in helping others learn what you need as you grieve. These are statements that you practice ahead of time so that they come to you effortlessly in the moments when you are upset but still need to ask for someone’s help or understanding.
“That’s not helpful.” Usually, our friends and family are trying to help, however their actions may have the opposite effect. With practice, you can develop the ability to say this in a calm, confident voice that halts comments or behaviour that you find hurtful.
“Grief isn’t easy, but it is necessary.” Well-meaning people sometimes want us to move through grief quickly when that is just not possible. You can remind them that it’s normal to feel a full range of feelings after a loss and you don’t need to ‘cheer up’.
“I’m adapting. It takes time to adjust.” When someone in your circle of acquaintances asks how you’re doing, you can use this phrase to remind them that grief is a process. You can ask them directly to have patience with your intense feelings, the changes in your routines and at the same time let them know you’ll never be quite the same again.
“I’m not strong. I’m just doing what I must.” This phrase can be helpful when people praise your ability to function in routine tasks and situations. You may want them to understand that although you may look well on the outside, there’s still a whirlwind of emotion and distress raging unpredictably inside you.
“I like it when you say their name and we talk about them.” You can let people know they don’t have to be afraid to mention your loved one. If you want to share stories, and hear stories from others, you may need to give permission with a clear, direct statement such as this so that people aren’t afraid they will hurt you more by talking about them.
These sample statements can be a good starting point for developing your own useful “pocket phrases” to help teach the people in your life how to help you as you grieve. Remember that the more you practice the things you wish you could say, the easier it will become to pull them out in a peaceful and positive way when needed.
Jackie – Expressive arts can help when grief is confusing
Jackie – Expressive arts can help when grief is confusing
Jackie talks about how working with an artist therapist helped her after her sister and mother died
Jackie – Finger painting and grief
Jackie – Finger painting and grief
Jackie discusses how finger painting help her with her feelings while she was grieving the loss of her mother and sister
Amber – My Story
Amber – My Story
Amber talks about the traumatic death of her father in an explosion and being 17
Marija – Latent grief
Marija – Latent grief
Marija explains latent grief
Valmy – Music for me and for others
Valmy – Music for me and for others
Valmy talks about music she has created around her loss and how it helps her connect with others
Valmy – The power of lyrics
Valmy – The power of lyrics
Valmy explains how lyrics can take the pressure off if you don’t know how to communicate. how you are feeling
Valmy – Creating a song to open dialogue
Valmy – Creating a song to open dialogue
Valmy talks about how music helps her process feelings and also helps her express her feelings to others
Valmy – It’s ok to feel how you are feeling
Valmy – It’s ok to feel how you are feeling
Valmy discusses feelings and how she copes
Logan – Advice
Logan – Advice
Logan discusses how its good tp let out your emotions
Cale – Music is my net
Cale – Music is my net
Cale talks about his background, music and how music helps him express and process grief
Cale – Advice for writing music about grief
Cale – Advice for writing music about grief
Cale discussses the relationship between your art and how you feel