You Can’t Always Get What You Want

“Happiness is a choice.” A friend of mine posted this quote on Facebook the other day. She then asked others what that quote meant to them. The responses were interesting and expected, and some were even inspiring. It’s so easy to say “I choose to be happy” when life is going well. On the other hand, when life has dealt you extremely difficult circumstances, like the loss of both of your parents and your spouse in a year, suddenly the choice requires a lot more effort.

I’m not saying it can’t be done. Some days I just really have to work at it. One of the things that made me the happiest in this world was my husband. I was madly in love with my Joe for all the days before he died, and I still am today. That is not a choice. It’s ingrained in me. His death didn’t lessen that love.

So, when someone says to me that I should “choose to be happy”, I hope they understand that it’s so much easier said than done. Choosing to be happy means choosing to enjoy this life without Joe. Enjoying this life without him means learning how to not feel guilty about that enjoyment. Not feeling guilty means choosing to let go. Even though I am still madly in love with my late husband, I am no longer married to him. Accepting that fact makes me sad.

Choosing to be happy is so hard when you are sad.

My friend was just asking for opinions, and in no way was her question directed at me. It just stirred up a lot of thoughts in my mind. The Rolling Stones were right, “You can’t always get what you want, but if you try sometimes, you just might find you get what you need.”

More than once in the last year someone has suggested that I should “choose to be happy”. If they read this, I hope they understand what it takes for a grieving person to do just that. And I hope they know that I am trying to find happiness amid the heartbreak every single day.

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Craig – Supporting Someone in Grief

Craig – Supporting Someone in Grief

Craig discusses his personal experience with grief and how he felt when people didn’t reach out to him during a difficult time. He offers advice on how to best support someone who is grieving, emphasizing the importance of simply showing up and letting them know that you care.

Craig – There is No Right Way to Grieve

Craig – There is No Right Way to Grieve

Craig talks about his experience with grief and how there is no right or wrong way to grieve. He shares his thoughts on how to allow yourself to do what you need to do to heal, even if it doesn’t seem like “self-care.” This video is a reminder that everyone grieves differently and that there is no one-size-fits-all approach to healing.

The Meaning of Tisha B’Av

By Richard Quodomine

Starting on sundown, July 26th, some Jews will begin to fast. Unlike the more well-known Yom Kippur, which is for atonement, Tisha B’Av is a specific holiday for mourning and grief. Its exact date varies with the ancient Jewish lunar Calendar, but is sometime in July or early August. All Jewish commemorations begin in the evening due to this lunar calendar.

Observant Jews will abstain from sexual relations, all forms of frivolity, wearing of leather, and work on this day. Just before the evening that begins the holiday, a “separation meal,” called seudah hamafseket,is eaten.It consists of bread and a hard-boiled egg dipped in ashes, accompanied by water. Talk about a meal to remind one of sadness. Once the evening of Tisha B’Av commences, one fasts for a full 24 hours. Please note that life and health are more important than fasting in Jewish tradition. If a doctor says a person should not fast, such as a woman who is pregnant, then fasting is forbidden.

Those of us of the Jewish faith also ascribe several sad events as having happened on the day of Tisha B’Av. For example, it is traditionally believed that both the First and Second Temples in Jerusalem were destroyed on Tisha B’Av. In more recent history, the last Jews of Spain whom did not convert to Catholicism were said to have left Spain forever on Tisha B’Av. Spanish Judaism had been a critical component of the Islamic culture there and was part of its unique pluralism and beauty. Some of those events may not have happened “on that day” exactly. The point of the holiday is not to take dates literally, but rather to remind ourselves that grief is a life cycle event, and we all grieve at some time.

Further, there is grief over loss of life but also grief for losing ways of living, of culture, of beauty or perhaps our environment and our friends who are not well treated by society. Tisha B’Av is a Jewish holiday, but it is also a holiday that is universal. No, we shouldn’t all fast or refuse to wear leather. But we should recognize that mourning is important. Feeling loss and grief is a part of whom we are. In facing that loss and accepting that grief – along with emotions such as anger, sadness or resentment – we are able to process them. We’re able to find a part of ourselves. For example, when dealing with a person who has passed, the grief we bear is knowing that we must carry that which we have lost because the person who carried them with us can no longer do it. We must grieve, and then bring about again the joy that that person created. The prayer for the holiday concludes with the verse “Restore us to You, O Lord, that we may be restored! Renew our days as of old.” In accepting grief, we can be restored to joy.