Getting Comfortable Talking About Grief

March 3, 2022

Post by Maureen Pollard, MSW, RSW

Getting Comfortable Talking About Grief

There was a time when death was part of everyday life. People didn’t tend to live long, and there was often a great deal of suffering while they were alive. Birth happened in the home, and death often happened there, too. If death happened elsewhere, the body was returned to the home whenever possible, for tender care and burial. Family members, and sometimes a trusted member of the community whose role it was to help, took care of the business of death.

We’re a long way from that now and in many cases death is turned over to the authorities. Medical diagnosis and treatment is often involved. We talk about battles, and fight to prolong life as much as possible. Death may be seen as a failure in our medical system; the enemy. This approach can sometimes create the illusion that we can defy death, when in reality death is inevitable for each and every one of us.

Since death can’t be avoided, it benefits us all to learn to talk about dying and death and grief. We need language for this universal experience. We need permission to ask our questions and share our stories. We need to know that what we are living through as our loved one dies, and in the aftermath, is a natural response to the loss we feel. We can get comfortable talking about it.

Be gentle. When you ask someone how they are, be mindful that they may not doing well, even if they seem to be managing. Try to use sensitive language and a softened tone when you check in with them.

Be kind. Let them know you are thinking about them and you’re available if they need support. Ask if you can help with specific tasks such as picking up some groceries or doing some yard work.

Be open. Share stories about their loved one’s greatest traits, or your best memories of them. Say their loved one’s name.

Be willing to listen. Let them tell you the parts of the story of death they feel comfortable sharing. If there’s something you can’t handle, offer to help them find someone who can be there for them as they talk about that part. Invite them to share stories about their loved one. Be prepared that they may repeat themselves as they try to adjust to the reality of the loss and hold on to their memories.

Be honest. If you don’t know what to say, tell them. They would likely rather hear that than have you stumble through platitudes that might dismiss their grief or hurt their feelings.

Be comfortable with silence. Once you say you’re sorry for their loss, it’s just fine to be quiet with them. You don’t need to fill the space with words or try to coax them to talk. Your presence is sometimes enough.

Everyone will experience death eventually, and being able to talk about it helps normalize this universal experience.

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When Your Friend Has a Miscarriage

February 23, 2022

When Your Friend Has a Miscarriage

Alyssa Warmland is a content artist whose work focuses on fumbling towards an ethic of care and empowering people to share their stories in a way that keeps them well.

When my partner and I decided we were ready to have a baby, we thought it would be easy. Turns out, we were wrong. After six months of hoping, our first pregnancy was a chemical pregnancy. Two months later, I was pregnant again. When an ultrasound at 7 weeks showed no heartbeat, the loss was drawn out and difficult, requiring multiple interventions. I got pregnant again a few months later, and lost that one too.

We wanted to be open with people close to us, since these losses were huge in our life. When we told people, we found that most women we knew had their own miscarriage stories, and we found that, like with any loss, people rarely know what to say.
There’s nothing that can be said to change the fact that someone you care about has experienced a loss. Still, here are some ideas about what can help after a miscarriage:

1. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

As someone who has experienced several significant deaths, I feel pretty confident saying that this is a solid way to respond in any situation where someone is grieving for any kind of loss. It’s appropriate to acknowledge that they’re going through something.

2. Do you want to talk about it?

If you’re fairly close with this person, it’s worth asking if they want to talk about it. Be sure you have the emotional capacity and physical time to take that on. If you don’t have that emotional capacity or physical time, just don’t offer. Some people don’t process grief by talking about it, or they may just not want to in a particular moment. By asking, you’ve given them the option, letting them know you will hold space to talk about it if they wish.

3. Do you want some company? I’m available at [time, days].

This is another way of identifying a way you feel capable of being supportive. It can be lonely when you’re grieving and it helps to have people around physically. Sometimes it’s nice to have a distraction and talk about completely unrelated things. Miscarriage can be an intense experience, both physically and emotionally, at times, but it’s important to consider that even grieving people are whole humans and their grief isn’t all that’s going on for them.

4. I get that you’re going through a lot right now. Take whatever time you need.

It can be helpful to know that people realize you need a little gentleness or time or space or care. We live in a society where we put a lot of pressure on women to carry on with their lives during their pregnancy, especially early pregnancy, which people are typically expected to hide. It can be pretty challenging to carry on with everything in your life when you’re exhausted and nauseous. Miscarriage can be painful, physically and emotionally.

5. What kind of soup do you like?

Bringing people food is rarely a bad idea, especially if they’re sad or not feeling well. Soup is warm, comforting, and most people like at least one kind. Be a friend. Bring soup.

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