Canadian Hospice Palliative Care Association Hosts ‘Saying Goodbye’ Concert
In November 2021, The Canadian Hospice Palliative Care Association hosted the ‘Saying Goodbye’ concert for National Grief and Bereavement Day. If you are grieving as you face the new year, perhaps the music of Canadian artists including Johnny Reid, Gregory Charles, John McDermott, Michelle Wright, Fred Penner, Jenn Grant, Carolyn Dawn Johnson, Ray Legere and many more will bring you some comfort.
https://www.chpca.ca/goodbye-concert/
Grief and Secondary Loss
Post by Maureen Pollard, MSW, RSW
Grief and Secondary Loss
Secondary losses are those that often accompany the death of a loved one and may go unacknowledged beside the more recognized experience of that primary loss. Secondary loss includes such things as role, family structure, support systems, identity, faith, purpose and security. These connections are related to the relationship between the griever and the deceased, and will be different for every griever.
Secondary losses are complicated because they vary so much, and because they are often unspoken. It can be difficult to understand and accept these losses as they are often intangible. People are less likely to acknowledge that the griever might feel pain because of a loss of confidence related to the death of their loved one. We tend to see these issues as challenges to navigate rather than as losses worthy of grieving.
What can help?
Identify these losses. Recognize the many intangible ways that the death of an important loved one changes your life. When we acknowledge these losses it helps us understand why we’re feeling such deep pain and finding it hard to heal.
Seek validation. If your family and friends can’t accept that these losses are just as real and have a significant impact on your grief, look for other avenues of validation. Talk to a grief counsellor, or find a grief support group or an on-line forum where your thoughts and feelings about your secondary losses can be understood and accepted.
Take time to grieve these losses, too. You’re expected to grieve the absence of the person who died. Give yourself permission to feel this grief, too. Create rituals to honour the changes in your life and how they are impacted by and impacting your grief process.
Trust yourself to carry on. You can carry the grief you feel. In time, as you adapt to this reality, it will shift and you will feel ready to develop new strategies, roles and identities. You will create support systems that meet your needs as you are now. You will find a way to rebuild your confidence and re-establish security in your life.
Grief is all encompassing. Understanding secondary losses opens a door to a deeper appreciation of the complex layers of grief that we experience when someone we love dies. Although it can be a challenge to identify these intangible losses, the time we take to consider them may help us understand the ways that grief touches us in so many personal ways and that can help us have patience with your unique path to healing after loss.
Forgiveness at the End of a Life
Post by Maureen Pollard, MSW, RSW
Forgiveness at the End of a Life
One of the most difficult things about death can be the experience of unresolved conflict. When we’ve had a turbulent relationship with the person we are grieving for, it can really complicate our feelings. Forgiveness is a good goal, but it can be hard to navigate.
When a Person is Dying
It may be that a person who has been diagnosed with a terminal illness and is moving toward the end of life wants to tend to unfinished business. They may feel remorse, or have a strong desire to make amends and set things right. If this is the case, it may be that you welcome their overtures and feel ready to forgive them.
If you don’t feel ready, you are not obligated to forgive. Some damage is deep, with far-reaching consequences. Your healing will not necessarily happen on a timeline that works with the time that is left to the dying person who seeks forgiveness.
Alternately, it may be that you want to forgive their actions and look for opportunities to mend the rifts but they continue whatever attitude and behaviour caused the wounds you feel. It’s important to know that some people do not seek to redeem themselves in response to impending death. That is not your fault and you can’t control it. You can still do the work of releasing yourself from the cycle that has harmed you.
When a Person has Died
When someone dies suddenly, there may be no opportunity for conversations or actions that might have happened to help heal emotional wounds in a relationship. You’re left with unsettled feelings that may include anger, guilt, regret and shame, with no way to address them directly with the person.
Finding Forgiveness
Anger is an acid that can do more harm to the vessel in which it is stored than to anything on which it is poured.
Mark Twain
It may be helpful to remember that forgiveness is for you. It is a personal process of releasing the pain of past wrongs against you. Forgiveness can happen whether or not the other person shows regrets or tries to make up for past wrongs.
Acknowledge your pain.
Accept it as your response to the other person, and allow yourself to feel the wound.
Seek some understanding of their motivation. What led them to those hurtful attitudes and behaviours?
Consider the possibility that they were doing the best that they could, even if their best was not very good and may have caused you to feel quite hurt.
Release yourself from the pain.
Give yourself permission to forgive them.
When you are ready, forgiveness is a great gift that you give to yourself.
Grieving Through Another Pandemic Holiday Season
Post by Maureen Pollard, MSW, RSW
Grieving Through Another Pandemic Holiday Season
This is our second year collectively facing a crisis across the globe that has kept us living with some level of anxiety and feelings of isolation. The COVID-19 pandemic has been very hard on so many people in many ways. It can feel endless and overwhelming. When we are also living with grief after the death of a loved one, it compounds the difficult feelings.
Grief can feel like a heavy blanket that weighs everything down. It can come in waves, relentlessly battering your broken heart, or like a rogue wave it can arrive in an unpredictable burst of sudden pain. Intense grief reflects the deep love we have for the one we have lost.
You are not alone. So many people are facing difficult circumstances and feeling like you are. As you move through these painful times, look for small ways to soothe yourself, even for a moment at a time. It seems endless, but this too will pass, and if you are able to soothe your self for a few moments today, that will help fortify you for the next wave of feelings.
Honour Your Experience
Your thoughts and feelings are perfectly normal for you as navigate grief against the backdrop of a pandemic. You may be surprised at some thoughts and feelings that seem unusual, but they are likely quite natural under the circumstances.
Speak honestly with family and friends about the impact of loss. Together, you can negotiate ways to feel connected while still keeping safe. Spend time with the people who support and respect you in your grief.
It is ok to change your traditions. Decide what feels right to you right now. These times call for changing our routines, so consider activities that may offer a fresh approach to the season that reflects your new reality.
Take care of yourself. Exercise. Eat well. Rest.
Take time to remember and honour your loved one. Holding a private ritual acknowledging your loved one can offer an outlet for adults and children alike to express feelings of loss. Light a candle, play their favourite music, or look at old photos.
Breathe. When it feels very difficult, take a breath. Pause. Then take another. Deep breaths with long slow exhales help to activate the calming centre of our nervous system. As you breathe deeply, you will notice that something shifts.
There is no one “right” way to grieve.
Be gentle with yourself. Trust yourself. Follow your instincts and try different things to soothe yourself as you adjust to your loss.
In time you will adapt, accepting this reality as you find ways to allow the joy and peace of the season and warm memories of your loved one to co-exist with the feelings of grief, gradually helping to ease the pain you feel now.
Disenfranchised Grief – When It Feels Like Your Grief Doesn’t Matter
Post by Maureen Pollard, MSW, RSW
Disenfranchised Grief – When It Feels Like Your Grief Doesn’t Matter
Grief that is acknowledged, validated and supported is grief that has access to pathways for healing. There are some losses that don’t receive this attention and respect. Disenfranchised grief is the name for what we experience when a loss is not acknowledged in our community.
Disenfranchised grief occurs with any loss that remains unspoken and is not validated. Some of these types of losses include pregnancy loss, LGBTQ2S+ partnership losses, suicide, overdose death, the loss of a co-worker, neighbour or pet. These losses tend to be considered less valid and less important than losses in some of our primary and close relationships. There is often no acknowledgement and little support for people who experience disenfranchised loss.
This grief is just as real and powerful as grief that is accepted by society. You’ll feel powerful, unpredictable emotions, you’ll find yourself shifting through the experience of grief as you adapt to this loss, just as you would with any validated loss. The primary difference is in the sense of isolation you’ll feel, and the minimizing indifference or disbelief so many people in your circles will express if you talk about your grief.
How to Take Care of Yourself
Validate yourself. Your loss is real, it is important and you can trust your experience of grief. You don’t need someone else’s permission to grieve.
Seek the support of others who validate your grief. There may be a peer support group, or a professional who is informed and experienced in the area of your loss who can share information and insights about your grief based on others who have walked this path before you.
Create ritual and ceremony to honour your grief. There may be an activity that is meaningful to you and helps you feel you are acknowledging the importance of this loss. Light a candle. Make art. Engage in an act of kindness in memory of your loved one.
Share your story and offer validation to others. If and when you feel strong enough to bring your grief to the world in a way that may help others who experience this type of loss after you, you can offer the wisdom gained from your own pain to guide others to the knowledge that their grief is real, and worthy of attention and support, too. Although it is not necessary, helping others can help you further your own healing, too.
Caring for Someone Who is Grieving
Post by Maureen Pollard, MSW, RSW
Caring for Someone Who is Grieving
When someone you care about is grieving, it can be hard to know what to do. It may be that you haven’t been through a similar experience and you feel unsure what will be helpful. It’s also quite likely that they’ll be unsure what they need themselves, or that in their grief they may not have the energy to educate you. There are endless possible ways to offer support and comfort to someone who is grieving.
Send Something
Make meals or bring groceries. It helps if you know their preferences and can respect any dietary needs or allergies, but if you don’t know them that well you can stick to basics options such as pasta and sauce.
Create remembrance items such as a framed photo, or something special that holds meaning related to the person who died and their relationship with the griever.
Prepare a care box including comfort care items such as tea, hand lotion, cozy socks, music, magazines or books.
Do Something
Take care of some basic chores. Rake their leaves. Put the garbage out. Offer to walk the dog, or take the children to lessons.
Run errands. If you’re going to the grocery store or the pharmacy, text and ask if they need anything while you’re there.
Invite them for tea or coffee (or beer or wine) and let them know that they can come as they are, tears and all. When they cry, or complain, or sit in silence, be patient and just allow their process.
Accept and Encourage Both Pain and Joy
Don’t be afraid to sit with them as they roll through the difficult emotions of sadness, fear, guilt, anger, regret and more. But don’t be afraid to laugh with them, too. Remember, grief involves the FULL range of our feelings, often in unpredictable bursts.
Keep It Up Over Time
Grievers are often surrounded by people offering care and condolences in the days and weeks following a loss. In time, all those supporters return to their regular routines and carry on with their busy lives, because the loss was not theirs and did not disrupt their lives the same way it does for the bereaved person. When you reach out to let the mourner know you are thinking of them, whether by text, with a phone call or a note months later, and continue to reach out from time to time, you can trust that it will be appreciated as they will know they are not completely forgotten as the world moves on without their loved one.
Whatever actions you take, pay attention to the person. Try to notice what they might need and show up for them in ways that make sense in their life, rather than simply doing the things you would want if it was your grief. A little kindness, acceptance and understanding can go a long way to support someone you care about as they grieve.
Bryan – Anticipation
Bryan – Anticipation
Bryan discusses the experience of having his father go through a coma and ultimately dying from gun violence
Bryan – Empathy for others
Bryan – Empathy for others
Bryan talks about how losing his father to gun violence was difficult and how taking things day by day helped him get through many difficult times. Now he wants to help children who are going through something similar to what he did. Things will get better and there is always a light at the end of the tunnel
Bryan – Helping Others
Bryan – Helping Others
Bryan explains how his experience with grief has helped him help others and why it’s so important for him.
Bryan – Mom
Bryan – Mom
Bryan gives his mother credit for how well she raised her two sons after her husband was murdered
Bryan – My Story
Bryan – My Story
Bryan talks about his father being a lawyer and being shot and killed by an apposing lawyer. He talks about his mother and brother and how they have coped
Bryan – The Three Fs
Bryan – The Three Fs
Bryan talks about the three cornerstones that he lives by …three f’s and how they support him in living a hopeful and positive life