Posts by Alyssa Warmland
Grieving Through Another Pandemic Holiday Season
Post by Maureen Pollard, MSW, RSW
Grieving Through Another Pandemic Holiday Season
This is our second year collectively facing a crisis across the globe that has kept us living with some level of anxiety and feelings of isolation. The COVID-19 pandemic has been very hard on so many people in many ways. It can feel endless and overwhelming. When we are also living with grief after the death of a loved one, it compounds the difficult feelings.
Grief can feel like a heavy blanket that weighs everything down. It can come in waves, relentlessly battering your broken heart, or like a rogue wave it can arrive in an unpredictable burst of sudden pain. Intense grief reflects the deep love we have for the one we have lost.
You are not alone. So many people are facing difficult circumstances and feeling like you are. As you move through these painful times, look for small ways to soothe yourself, even for a moment at a time. It seems endless, but this too will pass, and if you are able to soothe your self for a few moments today, that will help fortify you for the next wave of feelings.
Honour Your Experience
Your thoughts and feelings are perfectly normal for you as navigate grief against the backdrop of a pandemic. You may be surprised at some thoughts and feelings that seem unusual, but they are likely quite natural under the circumstances.
Speak honestly with family and friends about the impact of loss. Together, you can negotiate ways to feel connected while still keeping safe. Spend time with the people who support and respect you in your grief.
It is ok to change your traditions. Decide what feels right to you right now. These times call for changing our routines, so consider activities that may offer a fresh approach to the season that reflects your new reality.
Take care of yourself. Exercise. Eat well. Rest.
Take time to remember and honour your loved one. Holding a private ritual acknowledging your loved one can offer an outlet for adults and children alike to express feelings of loss. Light a candle, play their favourite music, or look at old photos.
Breathe. When it feels very difficult, take a breath. Pause. Then take another. Deep breaths with long slow exhales help to activate the calming centre of our nervous system. As you breathe deeply, you will notice that something shifts.
There is no one “right” way to grieve.
Be gentle with yourself. Trust yourself. Follow your instincts and try different things to soothe yourself as you adjust to your loss.
In time you will adapt, accepting this reality as you find ways to allow the joy and peace of the season and warm memories of your loved one to co-exist with the feelings of grief, gradually helping to ease the pain you feel now.
Disenfranchised Grief – When It Feels Like Your Grief Doesn’t Matter
Post by Maureen Pollard, MSW, RSW
Disenfranchised Grief – When It Feels Like Your Grief Doesn’t Matter
Grief that is acknowledged, validated and supported is grief that has access to pathways for healing. There are some losses that don’t receive this attention and respect. Disenfranchised grief is the name for what we experience when a loss is not acknowledged in our community.
Disenfranchised grief occurs with any loss that remains unspoken and is not validated. Some of these types of losses include pregnancy loss, LGBTQ2S+ partnership losses, suicide, overdose death, the loss of a co-worker, neighbour or pet. These losses tend to be considered less valid and less important than losses in some of our primary and close relationships. There is often no acknowledgement and little support for people who experience disenfranchised loss.
This grief is just as real and powerful as grief that is accepted by society. You’ll feel powerful, unpredictable emotions, you’ll find yourself shifting through the experience of grief as you adapt to this loss, just as you would with any validated loss. The primary difference is in the sense of isolation you’ll feel, and the minimizing indifference or disbelief so many people in your circles will express if you talk about your grief.
How to Take Care of Yourself
Validate yourself. Your loss is real, it is important and you can trust your experience of grief. You don’t need someone else’s permission to grieve.
Seek the support of others who validate your grief. There may be a peer support group, or a professional who is informed and experienced in the area of your loss who can share information and insights about your grief based on others who have walked this path before you.
Create ritual and ceremony to honour your grief. There may be an activity that is meaningful to you and helps you feel you are acknowledging the importance of this loss. Light a candle. Make art. Engage in an act of kindness in memory of your loved one.
Share your story and offer validation to others. If and when you feel strong enough to bring your grief to the world in a way that may help others who experience this type of loss after you, you can offer the wisdom gained from your own pain to guide others to the knowledge that their grief is real, and worthy of attention and support, too. Although it is not necessary, helping others can help you further your own healing, too.
Caring for Someone Who is Grieving
Post by Maureen Pollard, MSW, RSW
Caring for Someone Who is Grieving
When someone you care about is grieving, it can be hard to know what to do. It may be that you haven’t been through a similar experience and you feel unsure what will be helpful. It’s also quite likely that they’ll be unsure what they need themselves, or that in their grief they may not have the energy to educate you. There are endless possible ways to offer support and comfort to someone who is grieving.
Send Something
Make meals or bring groceries. It helps if you know their preferences and can respect any dietary needs or allergies, but if you don’t know them that well you can stick to basics options such as pasta and sauce.
Create remembrance items such as a framed photo, or something special that holds meaning related to the person who died and their relationship with the griever.
Prepare a care box including comfort care items such as tea, hand lotion, cozy socks, music, magazines or books.
Do Something
Take care of some basic chores. Rake their leaves. Put the garbage out. Offer to walk the dog, or take the children to lessons.
Run errands. If you’re going to the grocery store or the pharmacy, text and ask if they need anything while you’re there.
Invite them for tea or coffee (or beer or wine) and let them know that they can come as they are, tears and all. When they cry, or complain, or sit in silence, be patient and just allow their process.
Accept and Encourage Both Pain and Joy
Don’t be afraid to sit with them as they roll through the difficult emotions of sadness, fear, guilt, anger, regret and more. But don’t be afraid to laugh with them, too. Remember, grief involves the FULL range of our feelings, often in unpredictable bursts.
Keep It Up Over Time
Grievers are often surrounded by people offering care and condolences in the days and weeks following a loss. In time, all those supporters return to their regular routines and carry on with their busy lives, because the loss was not theirs and did not disrupt their lives the same way it does for the bereaved person. When you reach out to let the mourner know you are thinking of them, whether by text, with a phone call or a note months later, and continue to reach out from time to time, you can trust that it will be appreciated as they will know they are not completely forgotten as the world moves on without their loved one.
Whatever actions you take, pay attention to the person. Try to notice what they might need and show up for them in ways that make sense in their life, rather than simply doing the things you would want if it was your grief. A little kindness, acceptance and understanding can go a long way to support someone you care about as they grieve.